


constant downward spiral

by uhohcanteen



Category: Marvel, Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crack, F/F, F/M, Fluff, M/M, chat fic, peter doesn’t know how to communicate w people in ways other than gen z culture, text fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-31
Updated: 2019-08-05
Packaged: 2020-04-05 05:18:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 9
Words: 5,522
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19041913
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/uhohcanteen/pseuds/uhohcanteen
Summary: spidey: pls spare me mercyi’d do anythingshuri: anything?spidey: anythingshuri: then perishspidey: tbh i prefer sleeping over dying, i would knowpeter makes a groupchat and confuses basically everyone. written pre-endgame and i’ve made the executive choice to ignore the happenings in endgame :-)





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i’m baby and i’m projecting myself into peter and shuri.

_**Tony Stark** added **Wanda, Vision, Peter, Steve, Stephen, Clint, Natasha, Bruce, Thor, Loki, James B., James R., T’Challa, Shuri,** and **Sam** to the chat._

_**Tony Stark** changed their name to **ironman**._

**ironman** : Welcome to the avengers group chat, leave the chat or mute it if you don’t want to keep up with the constant downward spiral that will become this group chat as soon as spidey logs on...

_**Peter** changed their name to **spidey.**_

**spidey** : ejeismwkkewnw hi!! i’m spider-man :))

i’m probably gonna change ur guys’ names bc this seems way too formal dkdkennd

_**spidey** changed **Wanda** ’s name to **scarletwitch**._

_**spidey** changed **Steve’** s name to **captainamerica**._

_**spidey** changed **Stephen** 's name to **drstrange**._

_**spidey** changed **Clint** ’s name to **hawkeye**._

_**spidey** changed **Natasha** ’s name to **blackwidow**._

_**spidey** changed **James B.** ’s name to **sgt.barnes**._

_**spidey** changed **James R.'** s name to **ironpatriot**._

_**spidey** changed **Bruce** ’s name to **drbanner**._

_**spidey** changed **T'Challa** ’s name to **blackpanther**._

_**spidey** changed **Sam** ’s name to **falcon**._

**ironman** : Kid that’s even more formal

              Why did you

             Never mind...

 **spidey** : idk? i was gonna choose like,,,,,, regular names? or joke names

           but,, the only time i met any of you was bc i was fighting you??

           technically bc i’m ignoring thanos and that fight bc i’m terrified of that

           anYways

          i chose your guys’ superhero names!! i hope you like them uwu

 **dr. banner** : Hey, Spider-Man, why isn’t my name the Hulk? Not that I don’t appreciate it or anything but that seems out of ordinary?

 **spidey** : oh well bc you and the hulk are basically different people ig??

           also i respect you a lot more than the hulk,,

 **dr. banner** : You know of me?

 **spidey** : uh yeah?? how could i not jejjdndjrdmd

            to make a long fuckin story short

 **shuri** : i stuck a whole bag of jelly beans up my ass

 **ironman** : EXCUSE ME

 **spidey** : NDJDJDJD HELL YEA

            but also i really respect your work dr. banner!! it’s really cool and you risked a lot just for what you’re passionate about :))

 **ironman** : I think he’s crying

              He’s definitely crying I just looked in his lab

 **shuri** : ay yo spider check ur fuckin dms man

 **spidey** : i’m trying to go to sleep,,,,,

 **shuri** : it’s literally 8 am what

 **spidey** : shuri ily but,,,,

           it’s 1 am here and i’ve got school tomorrow,,

           pls spare me mercy

           i’d do anything

 **shuri** : anything?

 **spidey:** anything

 **shuri** : then perish

 **spidey** : tbh i prefer sleeping over dying, i would know

 **shuri** : sksksksks sis i-

 **spidey** : sksksksksk spill the tea sis!!

 **shuri** : periodt. periodt!!

 **spidey** : asksksksk

 **ironman** : Excuse me what the fuck

               Spidey go the fuck to sleep you wake up at 6 am

 **spidey** : that’s for you to know and me to worry as the time increases gradually ;)

 **ironman** : I swear to fucking god spidey...

               Also, can I just call you by name typing spidey is tedious

 **spidey** : ig?? i mean my name was already peter when this started out lmao

 **ironman** : True...

 **shuri** : i am caught up on the fact that y’all still type

 **spidey** : i know for a fact that you don’t use the microphone to send messages

 **shuri** : o rly

 **spidey** : example a)

           that’s not how that works you gotta use regular keyboards for keyboard smashes and improper sentences

 **shuri** : have you forgotten that wakanda, where i live, is incredibly technologically advanced??

 **spidey** : mayhaps

 **shuri** : god you’re so gay just go to sleep stinky

 **spidey** : eat my boochie

 **shuri** : eyes emoji

 **ironman** : Did you

               Did you really just type eyes emoji...

 **shuri** : uh??????

         obviously??????????

         i mean except i didn't type it,,

         you know what

         literally all of you go to sleep

 **ironman** : Sleep is for the weak

 **shuri** : yeah that’s why you’re going to sleep dipshit

 **ironman** : I am literally more than 2x your age watch it.

 **shuri** : i am literally 20x smarter than you watch it


	2. cookies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peters a disaster

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank u for ur support i am v small and i have no money and i also published this during school so this is kinda fucking neat
> 
> anyways enjoy and give me suggestions ab what to put in these chapters

**_Tuesday, 2:51 am_ **

**spidey** : hey y’all

           so i may have snuck into the tower

 **ironman** : You what??????

 **spidey** : you heard me.

            anyways so i was sneakin in

            and a fuckin knife got thrown at me

            and i was all “woah bro pls don’t murder me i’ve died enough for my lifetime

 **ironman** : I

              Please shut the duck up

 **spidey** : lmao

            duck

 **ironman** : Peter for fucks sake

 **spidey** : a n y w a y s ,,

            so i thought the tower was under attack and i guess he did too

 **ironman** : He????

 **sgt.barnes** : can y’all please shut the fuck up i’m trying to do something.

 **hawkeye** : SHUT THE FUCK UP IM PLAYING MINECRAFT!!!!!

 **blackwidow** : while this is a joke, he is playing minecraft i can confirm

 **spidey** : felt that

            i actually kinda really wanna play minecraft rn

            brother

            anyways so i webbed him and i heard a big clatter and so i thought he was holdin another weapon

            so i thought “hey i don’t wanna get stabbed again”

 **ironman** : AGAIN?????????

 **spidey** : i said what i said.

            and i tried to take the weapon

            but it wasn’t a weapon

            it was a fucking baking tray

            with c o o k i e s on it

 **blackwidow** : lmao

 **spidey** : MR STARK I THOUGHT SOMEONE BROKE INTO THE TOWER TO FUCKING MAKE SOME COOKIES

 **ironman** : Not unusual to be honest

 **hawkeye** : it was one time!!! :^(

 **spidey** : you broke into the tower?????

            don’t you live here?????

 **hawkeye** : nah it wasn’t me

            it was ant man

 **spidey** : brother

            that’s really wack

            anyways that was like an hour ago

            i’m currently sitting in the dark at 3 am eating cookies w bucky

 **ironman** : With Bucky?????

 **spidey** : yea

            did i not say that

 **sgt.barnes** : no you didn’t.

 **spidey** : i’m terrified by the way that you text

            but then i look across the living room and you’re braiding your hair and putting fake flowers in the braid

            and in general just being soft

 **bucky** : but i am soft.

 **hawkeye** : yeah we know

 **ironman** : I’ve made the executive decision not to question it

               Now can you guys go the fuck to sleep

 **spidey** : no thanks

            besides you’re awake too

 **ironman** : Ok but I’m an adult

 **spidey** : i beg to differ

 **ironman** : Then beg.

 **shuri** : sorry i’m late i was getting absolutely rawed at the olive garden

          but also what the fuck why is stark quoting a text post

 **spidey** : tbh? idk bro on another note,,, can i go mr stark

 **ironman** : I’m honestly terrified that you want to go

               But I think I’m more scared that this happened to Shuri

 **shuri** : i mean

          it’s not really something new

 **spidey** : wow thot

 **shuri** : look who’s talking

 **blackpanther** : Don’t listen to her, we don’t even have an Olive Garden in Wakanda.

 **shuri** : shut the fuck up

          let a girl have dreams, wont you?

          also why don’t we do that

          as in get an olive garden

          olive garden is fantastic

 **blackpanther** : Shuri, you don’t even like boys

                       On another note, Olive Garden is not somewhere to get ‘rawed’.

 **shuri:** ,,,,,,, stop exposing me,,,,,,,,,,

 **spidey** : f

 **blackwidow** : f by the way why did you break into the tower

 **spidey** : ,,,

            mayhaps i was shot?

 **ironman** : WHATT HEf UCKEJ PETER ITS NEEN 2 FUCKING HOURS SINCE UOU SAID YOU BROKE IN

 **spidey** : was that english

            anyways i’m all good now

            i've had worse

 **ironman** : interrogations are soon to come

 **shuri** : f

 **hawkeye** : f

 **blackwidow** : f

 **ironman** : What the fuck does ‘f’ mean?

 **spidey** : yes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> (btw i don’t have a posting schedule i just post whenever the fuck i feel like it lmao)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> peter, sweetie...

**_Wednesday, 7:43 p.m._  
**

 

 **spidey** : hey lads i've got some news

 

 **ironman:**  Oh god.

 

 **spidey** : why do you automatically assume the worst of me?????

            homophobia, i'm telling you.

 

 **ironman** : Peter sweetie I came out as bi on camera 5 years ago.

 

 **spidey** : h o m o p h o b i a !!!!!!!

 

 **blackwidow** : are you gonna tell us or did clint and i make 7 bags of popcorn for nothing

 

 **spidey** : shit my bad bro

            ok so basically je suis bebe

 

 **ironman** : Why do you know French you take Spanish

 

 **spidey** : MR STARK  
  
            WAY TO GO

            NOW THEY KNOW IM STILL IN SCHOOL

 

 **ironman** : Oh well

            They would've figured it out soon enough

            We're in a chat filled with soldiers and trained spies

 

 **spidey** : but mr staaaaaaaaaaaarrrrkkkkk

            i was gonna do a huge show of it

            like you did when you announced you were iron man !!

 

 **ironman** : do you not remember what i told you

 

 **spidey** : you have told me many a thing

 

 **ironman** : Don't do as I do

               Remember?

 

 **spidey** : vaguely, a little foggy on it

 

 **hawkeye** : can y'all finish it up

                we're  w a i t i n g

 

 **spidey** : we as in you and natasha?

 

 **hawkeye** : no

                its me, nat, sam, bucky, steve, and wanda

 

 **spidey** : steve??

 

 **sgt.barnes** : i dragged him along.

 

 **spidey** : what abt vision??

 

 **shuri** : FUCK THAT LITTLE TOASTER WHAT ABOUT ME????

          I'M GENUINELY HURT HOW COULD YOU

 

 **scarletwitch** : he's... coding, i think?? idk what medical attention is for a toaster

 

 **ironman:** That is not what's happening, but A for effort.

 

 **scarletwitch** : thanks???? i think

 

 **spidey** : not exactly a compliment

            bUT

            it isn't an insult

            just a sort of 

**scarletwitch** : o. kay???????????????????????????????????????????

 

 **shuri** : BACK TO THE MATTER AT HAND

          THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM, IF YOU WILL

          WHY WAS I NOT INVITED TO HEAR OF PETER'S DUMBASSERY AND IT'S ESCAPADES

 

 **ironman** : Big words for a toddler!

 

 **spidey** : sssHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH mr stark!!!!

            she'll kill you!

            you need to watch what you say..

 

 **shuri** : i'm On My Way!.

          omw*

 

 **hawkeye** : you????? live at????????? the other side of the world??????

 

 **shuri** : 1 hour.

 

 **hawkeye** : w

               what???

 

 **spidey** : god clint shes On Her Way! can't you hear her???????

            o

            wait

 

 **hawkeye** : EXCUSE ME

               I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT

               1) WE ARE OVER TEXT

               2) I HAVE HEARING AIDS

               ANNOYING ASS BUG

 

 **spidey** : my bad bro

            but consider this: spiders are arachnids, not insects

 

 **blackwidow** : lmao

 

 **ironman** : Damn Peter

 

 **shuri** : sis snapped

          what did clint do to you?

 

 **spidey** : he drank all of my juice :(

 

 **ironman** : ALL OF IT????????????

 

 **spidey** : yeah! hes a real bitch

 

 **captainamerica** : Language.

 

 **spidey** : UBGILXIUGBJHDLU

            DID U JUST COME ON HERE SOLEY TO SCOLD ME FOR MY LANGUAGE

            MR CAPTAIN ROGERS UR A DUMB ASS THOT

 

 **sgt.barnes** : you're not wrong.

 

 **captainamerica** : Bucky shut the fuck up.

 

 **spidey** : LANGUAGE

 

 **blackwidow** : LANGUAGE

 

 **hawkeye** : LANGUAGE

 

 **ironman** : LANGUAGE

 

 **shuri:** LANGUAGE

 

 **thor:** LANGUAGE

 

 **drbanner** : LANGUAGE

 

 **wanda:** LANGUAGE

 

 **vision:** LANGUAGE

 

 **ironpatriot:** LANGUAGE

 

 **falcon:** LANGUAGE

 

_**captain america** has left the chat._

 

 **spidey** : anna ou-

            also ain't y'all in the same room

 

 **hawkeye** : no not anymore

 

 **blackwidow** : we made the popcorn an hour and thirteen minutes ago.

 

 **spidey** : DAMN OK

            OK SO BASICALLY I WAS AT CVS

            AND I DIDN'T WANNA DRAW ATTENTION TO MYSELF BC I DIDN'T HAVE MY CHANGE OF CLOTHES

            AND I NEEDED TO PICK UP SOME HYDROGEN PEROXIDE

            SO I WAS CLIMBING ON THE CEILINGS

            AND THEN A WORKER HAD TO PUT SOMETHING ON THE HIGHEST SHELF FACING THE ISLE I WAS IN

            AND WHEN SHE SAW ME I FELL ONTO THE SHELF

            WITH A LOT OF CHEMICALS

 

 **falcon** : jesus christ can you like. calm down

           and stop texting in full caps please

           it's not exactly the most pleasant on the eyes.

 

 **blackwidow** : you're just old.

 

 **falcon** : listen blank window you're still older than me.

 

 _**blackwidow** _ _has changed their name to_ _**window** _ _._

 

 **spidey** : i think this is time for new names!

 

_**spidey** has changed **sgt.barnes** ' name to **bucket**._

 

_**spidey** has changed **ironpatriot** 's name to **uncle**._

 

 **spidey:** wAIT

            I NEED TO ADD MOM

 

 **uncle** : thanks for the new name

          btw your parent's are dead so idk who you're talking ab

          oh wait

          may?

 

 _ **spidey** has added **Pepper Potts** to the chat_.

_**spidey** has added **captainamerica** to the chat._

_**spidey** has changed **Pepper'** s name to **mom**._

_**spidey** has changed _ _**captainamerica** 's name to **whore**._

_**spidey** has changed **blackpanther** 's name to **furry**._

_**spidey** has changed **ironman** 's name to **dad**._

 

 **spidey** : to make a long story short i got banned from cvs pharmacy bc i got stabbed and needed to not die

            thx for coming to my TEDtalk

            also sorry pepper

 

 **mom** : Do you guys hold something against me?

          You're all nightmares

 

 **spidey** : my b

            :-(

 

 **shuri** : i can't believe you people.


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> pls help me i need prompts k thx

it’s summertime! time to put my hat on backwards and fucking party! and it’s also time for me to wallow in my sadness and despair in the increasing heat. my sleep schedule is already shit, and this fic is fucking BUILT on crackheadery at 3 am, so please give me prompts for me to thrive off of so you can thrive and then later wonder why the fuck you found any of this funny. anyways, thx v much u magnificent homos and without further ado.......... read my other fic bc it needs some love ok thx bye bitch

 

 

xoxo, LOCO MANIAC SICK BITCH PSYCHOPATH (yuh) IM GONNA SHOW U IM GONNA SHOW UUU.... YUH IM GONNA SHOW U MENTAL OUT MY BRAIN BAT SHIT GO INSANE


	5. peter........... no

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> somebody help this boy (as requested by Jamie on the last chapter. seriously please give me ideas for this it will go incredibly)

_**Wednesday,  2:19 pm** _

 

 **spidey** : ewewewweewwewrqrwerw

            fuckfucj ew i hate it tjfmrmemsd

 

 **irondad** : you wanna elaborate there, buddy??

 

 **spidey** : you don’t even wanna know

**irondad** : i’m scared but i’m gonna be a trooper and say that, yes, i do

 

 **spidey** : if u say so.....

            bucky and steve are currently communicating in morse code

 

 **irondad** : ok????

 

 **spidey** : nono u don’t understand

           they’re saying DIRTY things.

 

 **irondad** : oh.

              oh no.

 

 **spidey** : this physically pains me djrnrjndd

 

 **irondad** : why does it physically pain u

 

 **spidey** : man if u could just hear the shit that’s happening

            i regret ever learning morse code

            man fuck u ned

            WAIT

            U CAN HEAR WHAT THEYRE DOING

            MUAHAHAHHS

            ok i was possessed by sumn right then but yeah prepare ur ears

 

 **spidey** : [||||...|||........lllIIIIIIllll||||....IIl 0:18]

(The recording translates to what Bucky would do to Steve later. It isn’t PG. In the background, one can hear the faint sounds of Peter’s dramatic retching.)

 

 **irondad** : ok yeah that’s painful i’ll give you that

 

 **whore** : I AM SO SORRY I DIDN’T KNOW ANYONE ELSE WAS IN THE ROOM

 

 **bucket** : There was Someone else in The Room with us?

 

 **spidey** : OH MY FUCKING GOD YES

            DONT U GUYS HAVE ENHANCED HEARING??????? I-

            MR BARNES UR LITErALLY A SUPER SPY DJFMTNRMEMDD

 

 **bucket** : Our sincerest apologies, Bug fuck.

 

 **whore** : I am so sorry, Spider-man. If I had known.....

 

 **spidey** : if u had known?? WHAT

           WHAT IF U HAD KNOWN

           BC U KNOW NOW AND U HAVENT STOPPED

           GOD HOW MUCH VIAGRA DID YALL TAKE TO BE THIS HORNY ON MAIN

 

 **irondad** : they haven’t stopped?

 

 **spidey** : NO

           ....oh no.

           they left.

 

 **irondad** : shouldn’t that be good??

 

 **spidey** : no?????

            oh god

            listen i’m jewish and therefore don’t believe in the mainstream god but i sincerely believe that He abandoned this timeline

 

 **irondad** : you’re jewish???????? what the fuck

             also what

             what did they do

 **spidey** : mr. barnes just asked mr. steve “what that mouth do?”

            i-

            please bro

            are u there god? it’s me, margaret

            yeah, what the fuck did i do to deserve this????

            like u had SO MANY CHANCES TO KILL ME

            WHY DIDNT U LET THW BUILDING FINISH THE JOB COWARD

 **irondad** : WHAT

              WHAT BUILDING

 

 **spidey** : oops

            ignore that 🤪🤪

 

 **irondad** : NO I WONT IGNORE THAT

              WHEN DID A BUILDING ALMOSY KILL YIU???????

 

 **spidey** : lol on homecoming

 

 **window** : you almost died on homecoming??????

 

 **spidey** : lol yeah

 

 **window** : wait at homecoming or on homecoming night??

 

 **spidey** : i mean. i was supposed to be at homecoming but i ditched my date so i could like. save a plane full of bio weapons lmao

 

 **window** : oof you didn’t even get to have a normal homecoming dance??

 

 **spidey** : no

            it’s ok tho

 

 **irondad** : i’m sorry i’m still caught up on the fact that peter almost fucking died on homecoming night

 

 **spidey** : omg still?? just let it go, buddy

 

 **irondad** : NO

              WHY WERE U ALMOST DEAD BC OF A BUILDING??????

 

 **spidey** : well i mean

            it wasn’t a building as much as a....

            parking lot??

 

 **irondad** : WOW THAT DID LITERALLY NOTHING TO EASE MY WORRIES

 

 **spidey** : ok so the vulture was like. taking old chitauri tech and turning it into really dangerous weapons

            and i tried to tell mr stark but happy wasn’t exactly putting my calls through with him so i had to kinda,,, wing it

            so i figured out after the ferry incident who the vulture was

            which is really coincidental bc i found that out on homecoming night that it was my dates dad!

            anyways so i figured that i should do something bc now the vulture knew my identity and i should probably do something

            so i grabbed my suit and skidaddled out of the school to face the bitch himself

            and i ended up in one of those parking garage thingies

            and the vulture had the bright idea to fucking CRUSH ME TO DEATH

            so he took out the support columns and left me there

            but i had to get out of there to like... stop the plane n shit. and get toomes arrested

            it was a jolly old time

            anyways yeah leave a like if you enjoyed my story time and comment for any further ideas for my crazy fuckin life!

 

 **mom** : Why is tony crying??

          Fuck Peter why are you like this

 

 **spidey** : idk lol probably emotional trauma lmao

 

 **bucket** : What the Fuck

 

 **whore** : What the fuck

 

 **uncle** : What the fuck

 

 **shuri** : what the fuck is wrong with white peoples bast almighty


	6. LANGUAGE 2.0

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> sorry steve

thursday 2:25 am

spidey: HAPPY FUCKIN BIRTHDAY MR ROGERS UR LIKE. REALLY FUCKIN OLD  
HAG

irondad: Did you just call cap a hag

spidey: yeah lol why

irondad: He’s not a woman

spidey: u don’t know that

bucket: He kinda sounds Like one At Night 👀👀👀👀

spidey: HI I FUCKING HATE THAT SO MUCH CAN YOU PLEASE NEVER SPEAK AGAIN

bucket: Lmao no you Thought 

spidey: dadadaadadadaaaaaddddddddd

irondad: ;;;.   
Peter why can’t I leave the chat  
PETER

spidey: i brought u into this chat i’m the only one who can take u out of it  
with that said

spidey removed bucket from the chat.

irondad: An understandable arrangement...  
Thank you

spidey: ofc 😌😌

4:29 am

whore: Does anyone in this chat have a sleep schedule?

spidey: no??????? obviously

whore: Well other people are asleep right?

spidey: no  
nat and clint are on a mission w mr fury   
thor and bruce are currently with the guardians  
(omg i spelt guardians right way to go me!!!!)  
shuri and tchalla are like. running their country lmao  
sam is probably awake seeing as y’all are gonna go on a run is like 15 minutes

whore: How the heck do you know all of that?

spidey: i have eyes everywhere 👁👄👁  
jk i used droney :-))))  
also don’t u have a run to attend

whore: Shit.  
Also thanks for the birthday wish :^)

spidey: OMG LANGUAGE

irondad: LANGUAGE

window: LANGUAGE

hawkeye: LANGUAGE

thor: LANGUAGE

drbanner: LANGUAGE

wanda: LANGUAGE  
   
vision: LANGUAGE  
   
ironpatriot: LANGUAGE  
   
falcon: LANGUAGE

uncle: LANGUAGE

furry: Language.

mom: Language?

bucket: LANGUAGE!!!!!!!

spidey: HWATTHEFYCKDNRJENJDJRNRJE  
WHY JS BUCJY HERWHRJRJENDBDNENE  
NRJRJENEJSNNSND WHATTHWFUCKWHATtHEFUCKWHATTHEFUCK

wanda: I do not understand the big deal?

vision: At 3:01 am user ‘bucket’ was removed from this group chat.

bucket: hm.

8:01 am

mom: HI DOES ANYONE WANT TO TALK ABOUT WHY THE KITCHEN WAS JUST ON FIRE

spidey: not really

irondad: You’ve already fucked up, man

spidey: oh gorsch  
i’m sorry i was trying to make a cake for mr steve

whore: I’m honored, but why did that set the kitchen on fire?

spidey: that’s for me to know and you to wonder

 

New Group Message

spidey > irondad, mom

spidey: it was a decoy  
the fire isn’t uncontained- there’s a little bucket in the oven w a wire attached to it and a power source. cut the power source and the fire will die down. i’m not an idiot, i know how to bake, so don’t worry about it; it’ll make sense soon :-)

mom: ....Ok.

irondad: How did you even make that work? That’s so wrong and it shouldn’t even fucking be able to function...


	7. celebrate good times

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ned’s ultimate guide to a successful fic

Thursday 11:34 am

 

spidey: mr rogers could u pls come down to my floor????

whore: Yeah, sure, why?

spidey: i need help on an art project

whore: But you’re out of school, Peter, aren’t you?

spidey: yea  
but it’s for mj’s birthday

whore: Who is MJ?

spidey: my girlfriend lol

whore: .... Okay.  
Is this a large project

spidey: yeah pretty big 

whore: Then maybe we should do this on the communal floor?

spidey: ...... yeah probably lmao

whore: When do you want me down by?

spidey: about 10 minutes?

whore: Okay; I’ll see you then.

 

Party Planning People  
11:39 am

 

spidey: it worked >:-)

irondad: He’s coming to the communal floors?

spidey: yup!!  
i’m pretty sure he doesn’t suspect anything :-))  
i’m gonna put the big canvas by the counter so he’ll think that’s what i’m working on

bucket: Sounds good 😃

spidey: somehow that’s worse mr barnes

 

 

Peter walked into the kitchen as silently as possible, setting a large canvas onto the granite counters. With that, Peter motioned for everybody in the room to duck down in their specific hiding places. Peter crouched in front of the lower cabinets on the island, and waited.

As predicted, Steve walked into the kitchen, arms full of his various art supplies, seeing as Peter didn’t specify what kind of project he was doing. 

“Peter?” Steve murmured, knowing Peter’s enhanced hearing would pick it up if he was in the room. Peter sprung up, looking around as if trying to find something, and voila! Peter found a pencil on the floor- likely from Clint’s target practice with random bits and pieces laying about- and grinned up at Steve as he held out the pencil with a flourish. 

“Hi Mr. Rogers!” He exclaimed, bounding over with the intent of taking the mans supplies. “Hi, Peter-“ Steve was cut off when Peter grabbed the stuff out of his arms and set it on the counter sooner than he could react. 

Blind to the eyes of Steve, Peter set the supplies down on an inconspicuous little button, giving a tiny little click, giving Wanda the sign to release her magic concealing the decorations. 

With a sudden whoosh of paper being flown about, streamers were hung from the ceiling, balloons were floating on the counters, and Steve was flabbergasted. 

From behind several parts of the room, members of the Avengers popped out, at varying times yelling, “Surprise!” to the still frozen (haha) man. 

“Happy Birthday Mr. Rogers!” Came an animated Peter, giving the person before him a small card to check the oven. Obediently, the man walked behind the counter, weaving behind Wanda, to check the oven. Inside awaited a pleasant surprise to everybody (except for Tony and Pepper, that is). 

Within the cooking vessel held a large cake, frosted with a powder blue frosting in a pattern with the charming half-assed, hastily-made swirls home made cakes always seemed to have. Red, white, and blue sprinkles decorated the cake, and the bottom of the plate was decorated with a rich blue frosting, shaped as little spirals around the base of the cake. 

Peter beamed as Steve gaped while taking it out, looking over at the boy with a confused expression. 

“I thought you... couldn’t bake?” He questioned.

“I lied.” 

“But- the fire earlier?”

“I faked it,” Peter eloquently stated.

“Oh..... kay.” Steve muttered, confusion written in every crevice of his face.

With that, Tony rescued Peter from the awkward situation, by telling Steve to go socialize with his buddies. Peter thanked him but Tony brushed it off with a request for Peter to cut the cake already.

Peter happily cut the cake, albeit a little lopsided, and although the frosting smudged, everyone reported back to him that the cake was fantastic. Peter then grinned crookedly, and stated, “Thanks!”, and when asked by Pepper out of politeness if it was a family recipe, Tony burst out laughing while Peter simply said, “Of course not; May couldn’t bake for shit,” to which T’Challa, Rhodey, and Pepper were appalled, while everyone else broke out into varying degrees of laughter. 

Everyone later played DDR, in which no one really won for certain because half of the adults participating were drunk off their asses, and the kids (read: Peter and Shuri) weren’t exactly the most sure on their feet. 

After several rounds that weren’t satisfying whatsoever, they moved onto Mario Kart- Wii, of course. Shuri absolutely demolished everybody because she was the tech genius, while Peter followed close in second and Natasha shadowed menacingly in third. Peter was desperate for a win, so he begged to play Double Dash on the Nintendo Gamecube, because Why The Fuck Not, and also because he knew for a fact that he and Shuri would dominate.

With a choice of Yoshi (Shuri) and Toad (Peter), they successfully pissed everybody off eventually to the point of Tony stumbling over and unplugging the console. By this point, it was 5:24 pm, so Tony ordered 12 large pizzas, while Peter smugly exclaimed, “Pizza time!” after hours of bugging Tony to get Pizza. 

Over the gigantic quantities of food, stories were exchanged, detailing from how much Steve and Bucky hated bananas now, to Tony saying how weird it was that one time when his arc reactor died out of nowhere in 2014. Somehow, the story came to how the Avengers had all tried to pick up Mjölnir (sans Natasha), and Thor excitedly boasted that no one else would be able to pick up the hammer. Tony, in all of his hot headed confidence, declared that Peter should try to lift it.

Upon hearing his name (he was zoning out; he was probably entering a food coma at this point), Peter shot up on the couch, confused and disoriented. Tony said to try to pick up the hammer by Thor, ‘for funsies’.  
Peter, being the magnificent dumbass of the year, didn’t question it and just... grabbed the hammer. Thor yelled out excitedly, while Tony pointed in his face exaggeratedly, hollering, “I told you so!” repeatedly in everyones direction. 

Peter still had no idea what the flying fuck was going on, so he just stared at the clunky hammer, until it came to him. He quickly Screamed (capital S because holy shit that was loud), and dropped the hammer. 

“HOLY FUCK OH MY GOD OH MY GOD HOLY SHIT,” yellled Peter with newfound grace and elegance. Luckily, the hammer found its way onto Clint’s toe, who in response slapped Natasha in the leg, who decked him across the face with a furious glare. Natasha then took the hammer off of the archer’s foot and flung it at Thor, who caught it with an air of confusion and just a general, ‘what the gold covered shit????’ vibe. 

Peter, now with the attention off of him, slinked off to his room unnoticed by everyone who was yelling in confusion. He grabbed his phone and sent a text that wouldn’t be seen until the next day because of the inevitable pass out on the couch culture of Avengers get togethers. 

 

Thursday 9:52 pm

spidey: happy birthday mr steve you’re really fucking old and you aren’t special just because you can lift mjölnir

 

Friday 2:41 pm

window: spiders unite

spidey: we 😍😍😍😍🤩🤩🤩🤩🤩💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪💪


	8. requests??

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i do art and i need prompts pls

wassup fuckers?????? i need art prompts bc i want to draw but idk what????? so give me some scenarios, even outside of the the fic, and i’ll be vvv grateful!!!!!!!!!! some examples of my art: 

 

[group picture!!!!!!!!! everybody beat up thanos!!!!!!!.protectpeterparker(ppp)](https://www.instagram.com/p/BzULl3inWqd/?igshid=37j8eloydun3) (old, this isn’t my current style rjrjensndn)

[ineffable husbands.jpeg](https://www.instagram.com/p/Bzyh28MHtdj/?igshid=ghtxb16v7u3h) (idk how 2 insert images on mobile :-((( )

so yes pls give me reccomendations!!! i’ll be sure to include them in future chapters ;-))

 

also you’re probably wondering- uhohcanteen, what the fresh fuck happened to the way you write your notes???? well, i’ll tell you: it’s not 3 am, and i’ve also been getting more than 4 hours of sleep a night! 

 


	9. Chapter 9

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> dam son all these bitches want some. bitches wanna be me one day!

spidey: guess what guys! i fucking hate trains.

 

bucket: Finally something i Can Get behind

 

spidey: or below

 

bucket: or To the Side Down A big Ass Ravine

 

whore: What the heck?

 

irondad: What thef u c k ? ?

 

Peter why do you hate trains????

 

spidey: oh you don’t know???

 

irondad: NO OF COURSE I DONT KNOW???????

 

bucket: wait Yeah Peter why do You Hate trains

 

irondad: We’re waiting sweetums

 

Shit wait

 

bucket: for What

 

whore: Whats happening??

 

bucket: it’s Been Like 30 minutes since Tony Responded is he Good

 

spidey: lol sorry just had a panic attack  🤪🤪

 

whore: WHAT??

 

bucket: it Be Like that

 

irondad: Please stop talking to my son, Barnes

 

bucket: no

 

irondad: ( r u having a giggle m8 meme it doesn’t format on mobile mfdmsn)

 

spidey: EW DEAD MEME ALERT DEAD MEME 

 

DELETE DELETE DELETE

 

shuri: (uh oh! bald kurtis didn’t like that! take it back before he takes your family! [it also didn’t format on mobile :-(]) 

 

whore: I’m going to ignore the fact that I didn’t understand anything that just happened, and am in fact scared for my life.

 

spidey: as you should.

 

shuri: this is exactly how you should feel.

 

spidey: shuri u need a new name 

 

shuri: it better not be bad or i will maim you

 

spidey: well excuuuuuuuuuuse me, princess

 

WaIT

 

shuri: YES

 

spidey has changed shuri’s name to excuuuuuseme

 

whore: To get back on track, Peter why are you scared of trains?

 

spidey: lmao mysterio hit me w one

 

whore:WHAT? WHO IS MYSTERIO?

 

spidey: dead

 

bucket: peter did you,,,,,, kill him??

 

spidey: no i wish lol

 

bucket: what happened to him?

 

spidey: he tried to shoot me but i’m pretty sure it ricocheted off of something bc he ended up getting shot somehow????? idk i was kinda caught up in the ‘is this real??? try not to die’ mindset

 

irondad: what

 

wdym ‘is this real’ mindset

 

we’re you dissociating or something??

 

spidey: no

 

i literally didn’t know what was real

 

bucket: what the fuck why

 

spidey: bc he had like,,,,, illusions?? or smt but he used drones n shit so they not only displayed images but also shot u when things were happening that would harm u

 

irondad: those sound an awful lot like my drones stored in my satellites in space.....

 

spidey: i think that’s bc they are

 

yeah edith said they are

 

whore: Who is Edith

 

spidey: my mom

 

bucket: you’re an orphan

 

spidey: so?

 

excuuuseme: someone change the subject this conversation is drier than the sahara

 

spidey: bet

 

hey guys just wanted to let you guys know that daredevil is my new best friend

 

irondad: What

 

Why

 

When

 

What about ned???????

 

spidey: ned asked me for like the 15th time if i lay eggs

 

whore: Do you lay eggs?

 

spidey: THATS NONE OF YOUR FUCKING BUSINESS OLD MAN

 

bucket: why are you so defensive about laying eggs

 

irondad: It really isn’t anyone’s business unless Peter’s willing to share.

 

spidey: which i amn o t

 

no homo but if one person asks me again if i lay eggs i’m going to fucking assault them idc if it’s as peter parker or as spider-man 

 

irondad: Why is that no homo??

 

hawkeye: i just read up hol up

 

peter you lay eggs???????

 

spidey: my name is peter parker. you pushed my last button. prepare to die.

 

hawkeye: haha nice reference

 

irondad: It’s not just a reference.

 

falcon: Lmfao I just saw Peter walking down the hallway with a combat knife 

 

What’s he gonna do, make clint a nice salad?

 

irondad: Now might be a nice time to mention that I trained Peter with Bucky and Natasha so he’s ... very well versed in combat strategies and techniques.

 

falcon: uh oh

 

window: let’s see how he does!!

 

bucket: it’s like watching your baby take his first steps.....

 

hawkeye: what the fjdjejndnesnvmndf

 

Hahdjfnandnekdke

 

.!:!’!!, fahd6/82@2@.’c

 

excuuuseme: clint??

 

clint????????

 

oh my fuckin god he fuckin dead

 

why is no one here responding i made a funny

 

vision: I believe that everybody is watching peter assassinate Clint.

 

excuuuseme: vision set up a video call for me rn

 

vision: Okay, excuuuseme

 

irondad: It is 1 hour later and I would like to say, that was fucking brutal

 

hawkeye: YES IT WAS OH MY GOD

 

IS SOMEBODY GONNA TAKE ME TO MEDBAY I CANNOT GET UP

 

bucket: no.

 

falcon: i mean...... he did warn you, man :/

 

hawkeye: fyck yuu dufde 

 

window: sorry what was that couldn’t quite catch it 

 

whatever if no one else is gonna take him i guess i will

 

clint i’m omw 

 

clint????

 

probably passed out, the dumbass bitch

 

vision: I can confirm that Clint Barton is currently unconscious on the living room floor.

 

falcon: Vision, why aren’t you bringing him to medbay??

 

vision: I am currently in a video call with excuuuseme.

 

excuuuseme says “Yeehaw lads, I’ve lost guardianship of my teeth.”

 

spidey: this is so sad omg 

 

excuuuseme: it’s true  😔😔

 

(The Original Six)

window: we need to plan for peters birthday bc it’s coming up soon

 

hawkeye: sounds great except that kid knows everything that’s going on it’s kinda creepy

 

plus he hates me 

 

irondad: The chances of Peter not finding out about this is vanishingly small.

 

drbanner: I would say infinitesimally.

 

spidey: yes and i would say teenily weenily

we all know words

 

hawkeye: lmao 

 

wa iT

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> also yeah this is implying that peters trans if u don’t agree watch spider-man homecoming ull see

**Author's Note:**

> if you don’t compliment me i’ll take ur eyelids


End file.
